Mr B said to me, “I really want to take you to Paris, someday. So that we can sit in a cafe and eat croissants with coffee.” It was lovely, this invitation and then..
And then I said, “I’m too fat to go to Paris.”
In a sputtery, incredulous way, Mr B asked, “What! What did you just say? Why would you say such a ridiculous thing?”
“It’s the title to my next blog post.” I replied. “I’m Too Fat To Go To Paris. It popped into my head, when you said we should go. It sounded wonderful, sitting with you in a parisian cafe and then I started to think about why I couldn’t possibly go to France. The French don’t like Americans. The French don’t like fat people. I’m a fat American. I should avoid France all together.” He looked puzzled. I took this as an invitation to continue, ” I want to write about taking myself out of the game. I’m going to write about how I have let fear stop me from living and why I don’t care anymore if skinny french bitches are looking at me. I’m going to eat a croissant in Paris. I think I might want to ride an elephant in India, too.”
He smiled and said, “You should.”
So, I take myself out of the game. I do this when, I say,
“I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I’m too slow, too clumsy, too smart, not smart enough. I’m busy. I’m serious. I’m silly. I don’t have all the answers. I haven’t got the right: equipment, swim suit, eye make-up, underwear. I might not be perfect at this and shouldn’t I be perfect? I think I would rather just read a book about this Paris, you speak of.”
And oh, this is simply not good enough. Life is too short for half-measures. Life is too short for the sidelines. The good bits, the exciting, all-in, leave it on the table, balls-to-the-walls, messy, imperfect Life is happening on the field, in the parisian cafe, falling over in snowshoes in the woods. It’s out there when you are trying your best and falling short or maybe exceeding. Living is stepping out the door. It’s taking a chance and just doing something- anything, without reservation. Consider the word Abandon: noun. Complete lack of inhibition or restraint. That is what I am talking about, this is what I am looking for, abandon. Now, I’m going to go find my knickers and get out there and mix it up. You with me?
Tell me what you did this week that made you feel alive. I went out in a snowstorm to meet with strangers, ate cake for breakfast, hit the ‘publish’ button, screamed “listen to the birds!!” at my teenage son, and stomped in slushy, wet, snow puddles in my wellies.
Badass Snowflake 
Brilliant – I am an expert at watching from the sidelines, but I feel inspired to try to be a little more brave, thank you 🙂
No one can be you, but you. Go do it!
Wise words
Greetings from the Professor! EXCELLENT! Be a little more brave and try on some Punchyish behavior! You’ll not ever be the same you know….
You make me smile…no, LAUGH! Thanks L…this is great living for us all…go take it by storm…life is moving and I don’t want to hold back from a thing:) xxxx Funny too..this is the theme with my bball girls this week too. We can let fear hold us back cuz we are afraid to fail, look stupid. But really we only look truly stupid or fail when we hold back…giving it your all is “winning”…and it FEELS good, no matter the outcome. Live by feeling…LOVE IT!
Leave it all out on the court, girl!! love you.
I’m going out now and grabbing the brass ring! Funny how I woke up this morning thinking how I had let so many others rule the defining moments in my own life…..Having read this…..I realize, once again that I hold myself back!! Thank you my brilliant, beautiful and totally cool daughter!!
xoxo
I slowly and deliberately drank a cup of coffee… savoring each nuance of flavor. (Try pairing a taste of sun-dried tomatoes with a medium roast Colombian!)
I spent more time looking at the all of the roses in the flower shop than I did in picking out and purchasing the dozen I took home to my bride.
I synchronized the rhythm of my rowing on the rowing machine to Eminence Front by the Who… and I pulled hard through the entire song.
I buried my face in my wife’s hair as she lay sleeping, and I drank in the rich smell, intoxicating me until I slept.
I split logs in the back yard, as the misty fog moved around me. The sound of the maul and sledge hammer were muffled in the closeness of it all.
I smiled at myself in the mirror.
I read your blog.
I am alive.
Eminence Front- excellent! I love the presence in your comments.Thank you.
What a clarion call for everyone who has felt to…..fill in the word to risk, go, speak, act..whatever. Wonderful job of hitting everyone of we humans where we live..or fear.
I attended the first session of a “Desire Map” book club. It’s time, baby, it’s time 🙂
Hear that Lee! Get off the bench and start living, that’s the life for me. Thanks for reading!!
Love this! I was too fat to go to Paris too, but I went and climbed all 284 steps to the top of L’Arc de Triomphe.
In answer to your question, I felt alive when I:
-pushed publish on this post about being body positive in 2014: http://www.bigdivahq.com/2014/01/bp-body-positive.html.
-slowly rub lotion on my body in the morning and show it so much love, especially the parts that I tend to criticize.
-when I pummelos. Everything about them makes me so happy!
-when I pray for others.
Thank you for this wonderful post. I wish you peace and many blessings!
Biba- read your blog & loved it. I was thrilled and then terrified when I first hit publish! Proud of you and thanks for your thoughts!
Oh and I am following you, now. In it together!!
I love this! Your post is RADIANT. I think that so many of us women have “taken ourselves out of the game” — let our fear of “not being enough” (dangerous when combined with “too much”) stop us from leaning in and just doing the damn thing! So many badass women, women (and men) on FIRE, who sit it out!
For myself, this week… Said no to a job offer that hit all the wrong notes in my gut. Met with amazing women who inspire me. Sat in grateful financial abundance (even when the bank account had a low balance). Wrote a blog post about leaning in (http://wellnessbykate.com/2014/01/08/lean-in/). Ate delicious lentils (my new culinary obsession).
Thank you for the inspiration!
Kate- Thanks for your comments. I love the phrase and idea of ‘leaning in’ it feels powerful but in a way that honors the process. I have followed your blog- looking forward to connecting, more! Keep shining bright!
Great post!
Recently, when I find myself hesitating I have been asking myself “What are you waiting for?”!!!
🙂
Love it!!
Lisa Brookfield http://www.lcompany.net
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